Freeze frame...

This time in our lives, especially Parker's life, is just the most precious time ever! Today I was feeding Parker a bottle after he got up from his nap, and I was looking at this baby (but hardly even anymore) and thinking how amazing he is. As I rest my head on his I feel his fuzzy hair tickle my face. I kiss his soft cheeks that are still warm from his nap. I am surprised they don't look worn from the hundreds of kisses that fall on them every day by Joel and myself. He stares up at me with those beautiful eyes...the perfect combination of Joel's eyes and my own...blue with flecks of yellow around the pupil. He bats his long eyelashes that I know will some day steal the heart of the girl he loves. His little nose moves in and out with every gulp of the bottle. It is such a round, perfect little button nose. His mouth greedily sucks away at the bottle with his juicy little lips pouting out around the bottle. My eyes fall down to his chubby hands that always rest on my arm while I feed him. I notice every crease, wrinkle, little finger nail, dirt under some of his nails and little hairs that are growing under his knuckles. Even though it is the middle of the afternoon he still is wearing his fleece monkey sleeper because he just looks so cute in it and I am declaring today a jammie day for both of us! The little monkey faces on his feet look back at me smiling and I can't help but smile...and then a tear falls too. Could life be any better than this? I just want to freeze this moment and live in it forever! I have never felt so much joy, had such a sense of meaning in my life, been so content and not concerned with much more than raising this little boy the best way I know how with God's instruction. At the same time I have never been so scared either. Scared that I will lose it all. People always say better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. While I do agree that I would not trade this love for anything the thought of losing Joel and Parker is more than I can bear to think about. For now I will live every day like it could be my last, and I will love my boys with my whole heart for as long as I live. The rest is up to God to decide.